Hi Aimee, welcome to Covenspace. I myself lost my dad this May to a heart attack, and I still feel this loss deeply, especially as we head into the holiday season. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that personally, I try to remember my dad for his sense of humor, his silly jokes, with laughter and love. I think he would prefer it that way. I remember him through his beautiful art as he was a talented wood worker, and he was the one who taught me to draw, carve, sculpt, and sew. Its strange the little things that remind me of him, things I didnt expect. Its been difficult losing a parent, but I carry him with me as I believe he is part of me forever, as I was always a part of him and I hold on to his memory however I can. Ive discovered that I am quite like my dad. I had a moment of serenity when he passed, and knew it was okay and he was at peace, like he was telling me that. His energy is now a part of everything. I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you peace, comfort, and happy blessings. Hugs to you.
-Eala

just last night i had to count, slowly and more than one and even using my fingers to be sure, the four years since my mother died. four seemed like way too many.
the whole experience of her death was just surreal because we started talking about it weeks before and at the time i felt like the best thing to do was act like it was normal and assure her that i'd be able to take care of everything she was asking me to do. now i feel a fair amount guilt for showing her that confidence and calm rather than expressing how much i'd miss her presense and how profoundly her death would affect me. there's a lot of complexity surrounding the death of any loved one, but i think it can be a particularly confusing time when a parent dies, especially when we're young.
our parents are our history. they keep the stories and memories that span our lives from conception.
our parents know us like no one else ever will because our lives play out in their context, making them aware of the elements of themselves that continue in us and allowing them to witness the patterns, some we inherit from them, that we manifest.
the loss of all that, not to mention their comfort and strength, is significant for any person, to say the least.
when we lose someone we love, we have the opportunity to truly forgive their imperfections and faults and love them even more. there's a lesson in this about the urgency of mortality and the kind of energy we choose to send out in our most intimate relationships and in our everyday actions with our limited time. there's a potential for personal growth in the grief.
there are plenty of difficult days when you'll miss her more, most in the first year — the first mothers day, her birthday, your birthday, thanksgiving and christmas, the first anniversary. when you have children, that'll bring a lot of it back. mom's the one you're supposed to call when you don't know what to do or when the baby does something really cute. the best thing you can do is to take the love you wish you could still express to her and use it to fuel the intensity of the positivity you bring to everyone else you care about among the living.
it's hard, but it's not impossible. i wish the best for you.